“That’s decoy gold. You think I’d leave my gold in a locked safe buried underground where anyone could find it? You don’t know me at all.”

Next time you need a wingman for a Cash 4 Gold payout, I’m your guy. In the course of my day-to-day, I go through a lot of gold. We use it to make electrical contacts on test transistors. So I’ve got a pretty good handle on the gold market.

Common refrain from my office: “Wait, I just spent $700 on the same amount of gold two weeks ago? And now it costs $1100?!”

No pulling the wool over this guy’s eyes.

And when I say I go through a lot of gold daily, a lot = milligrams. Which comes to about 0.1% of the weight of a penny. A penny’s weight of pure gold, by the way, will run you $140.*

Gold (and other) plated pennies, from the always amusing ChemBark.

The funny thing about ordering gold FOR SCIENCE! is that it’s required to ship with a safety data sheet. I mean, gold is in one of those boxes on the periodic table, right? Well so’s arsenic! I demand you tell me what chemicals this gold is putting in my body (said nobody ever).

So here are my favorites from the gold safety data sheet:

“May cause eye irratation.” That’s right, don’t stick gold in your eye.

“First Aid Measures for skin: Wash with soap and water.” You don’t know where that gold’s been.

“Personal Protective Equipment: Wear safety glasses.” See above re: eye irritation dangers. Seriously dude, don’t stick it in your eye.

“There are no established workplace exposure limits for components of this product.” You can have your Scrooge McDuck gold-filled swimming pool, no sweat. Just don’t forget your safety goggles.

So there ya go, a nice chunk of The More You Know for the next time you’re bartering at the pawn shop. And don’t forget to bring me.

*At today’s rates anyway (July 30, 2013)**. So buy now!!

**Also important: the form of the gold. A penny’s weight in little 1/8″ inch pellets? $140. An actual penny-shape (scaled for weight of course)? $500.